Nipples Optional: A Memoir - Section V: The Scars Begin to Heal


"The love for a child is indescribable, yet incredibly powerful and unconditional. Our children's joys and heartaches intrinsically become your joys and heartaches. When my children cry, it physically hurts me. And not just my ears. My heart, too. My greatest fear is that my children will never know the amount of love I have for them. How could they? I am barely able to comprehend and articulate the immensity of my love for them. There are days that the word "love" isn’t enough to describe my affection for them because it is so much more than that. On the other hand, there are days that I understand why some animals eat their offspring. I’m joking. I think. There are days that I dream of bottling up their sweetness, their joy and their innocence because I cannot bear the thought of them getting any older. And there are days that I put them to bed at 6:30 PM, pour myself a bottle of wine and pretend I don’t have children for 12 hours. Is that bad? I didn't think so either. I’ll be honest. I have, on more than one occasion, said “Children are the worst!” And, I stand by that. The reason they are the worst is because, as a parent, your love for them is so strong, so compelling, so irrational at times that it doesn’t matter what children do or how awful they are, they are still the absolute best thing in the whole world. And to be clear, this is not true for other people’s kids. Only yours. The power they have over you with the love you have for them…it’s bullshit. It’s not fair. It is what fuels their power as tiny dictators.

As Bridget so eloquently says, 'Motherhood is a fragile line between utter bliss and wanting to throw yourself off a cliff.' I can’t explain why some days are different than others although I assume it has something to do with hormones, sleep deprivation and all parties involved.

I pray my children are able to see past all of that, to see past the yelling, the tears and the endless time outs. My hope is that we come out on the other end of their childhood with them not only knowing the love I have for them, but feeling it each and every day."